I’m baaackk!

Yes, I realize it’s been a year since I took a hiatus stating I was back, but this time I’d really like to get back into this. Last year was one of my least favorite years, with some family stuff, work stuff, and another complete let down romantically, but I’m hoping 2016 will kick it’s ass.

I dramatically changed my work situation, branching off on my own, which has always been a dream of mine. Everyone said “it will be hard,” and “running a business takes all of your time in the beginning,” and I laughed it off, because of course, it would be different for me. IT WASN’T.  I have been living and breathing this for the last few months, and while I don’t regret a thing and am happy with my move, I am completely ready for things to regulate a bit, and to get my social life back. (Why did ‘Regulators’ just pop in my head haha).

 

I started the year with a great outlook, wanting to focus on me (which I think every single girl says at some point), and I really meant it. I want to kick ass in this business, feel great about myself and accomplish some lofty but very attainable goals. By January 15th, I also recognized I would like to meet a guy who will embrace my bold personality and wants to have sex all the time. I don’t really think that’s too much to ask. Balancing it all is very easy.

While I was in my independent woman mentality, my friends were developing relationships with men. While I’m incredibly happy for them, and genuinely like the people they are dating, being the only single one is awkward. I do realize I have made 0 effort to meet anyone, as in I don’t leave my house if I’m not at work or Target, and the one time I went out I was blackout for a friend’s birthday and have flashes of fixating on how old some cute guy was (ugh).

I was having a pity party for one last week, and texted my mom about being single, which I should know better than to do. First, she challenged if “all of my friends” were single by naming off different friends, as if I hadn’t analyzed this to death before sending my ‘whoa is me’ text message. Yes Mom, Kathy, Lucy and Kristy are ALL dating people now. Yes, they all met them online, which was incredibly unsuccessful for me. I don’t need to date any more bracelet makers, house plants and egg nogs of the world again, which is who I attract online. NEVER AGAIN. She then follows with “well then you’ll be next.” *Mind blown.* Obviously!!!! That’s like stating the last person in the marathon will be the next one to cross the finish line. I morphed into a cartoon dragon, smoke blowing out of my nose, and sent a slew of angry texts back. Poor, Mom.

If you’ve ever tried to make someone feel better when they are in a funk, stop. Just..don’t. They have made up their mind and they want you to listen to them scream, make a joke maybe, nominate them for that reality dating show that needs to be created starring them, or start scouring the Earth for the amazing husband for my arranged marriage.

So in an attempt to end the pity party, I have created a list of reasons I don’t hate being single:

• How would I balance binge watching 90210 with dating? I just don’t think I’m willing to give that up yet. I’m only on Season 4. Side note: has anyone watched this as an adult? It’s much more ‘ABC Family After School Special’ than I remember.
• I don’t have to share any of the delicious new recipes I’ve been trying with anyone. Groceries last a very long time.
• Valentine’s Day – No pressure to find the perfect gift, obsess over what to write in the card, feign excitement over the gigantic stuffed animal he bought you from Walgreens when he remembered it was VD on his way over to your house.
• I have minimal wrinkles because I actually get sleep. Happens much more easily when you aren’t up having crazy sex, or dealing with your screaming baby who refuses to sleep.
• My house is immaculate because I have nothing else to do so much more balance in my life.
• I am back to consistently working out since I have to find creative ways to release the insane amount of sexual frustration building up so I don’t rage out on people.
• I have done copious amounts of informative research, such as “How much time has to pass before you’re considered a born again Virgin,” and “Can one actual die from sexual frustration?” This just makes me a much more well rounded individual and are clearly great conversation starters.

Any pointers on how to get over this funk are welcome, as always. Also, I am currently accepting applications for men who think they can handle all this sass.

Have a great one!

Songs That Make Me Want to Pounce

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written. With my birthday, the holidays and getting back into the groove, I haven’t made the time to blog. I’ve missed it, even though I write about senseless things. So, I’m back!

I have an eclectic taste of music, and I am pretty proud of my iPod. I listen to it in the car, and the occasional times I work out outside of bootcamp (where music is provided). It keeps me sane on road trips and I have mixes for every mood and genre. I decided to make a list of songs that put me in “the mood”. Now when I say that, I don’t mean let’s listen to this while we’re on a date and I’m going to be raring to go. I mean, I’m a weirdo in my car and all of a sudden I wish I could pounce on someone. These are primarily not “romantic” songs. I’m not really the most romantic girl. I do appreciate flowers, complements and effort on dates, but I don’t like cheesiness. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and is a huge turn off. Hence, my aversion to the term “making love.” Barf.

Anyway, here is my ongoing list (based off the top of my head and what’s in my iTunes). To be continued of course..

1. Bailando – Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. Physically, neither of these men really do it for me, but their voices combined give me a bit of a visceral reaction.

2. Pony – Genuwine. I’ve always been hot for this song, and the interpretive dance in Magic Mike sealed the deal for me. The movie is definitely not Oscar Worthy, but that scene made was enough to make most women happy.

3. Down on Me – Jeremih & 50 Cent. Dirty rap songs are my faves.

4. Girl Is On My Mind- The Black Keys. For those of you who have any appreciation for The Black Keys, please download all of their earlier stuff. More bluesy and raspy- ugh, yum. For those who aren’t especially familiar with them, you are welcome. I saw them in concert on my birthday and was incredibly impressed. Somehow, I had only downloaded their latest two albums, so I went back and am mad at myself for not doing so earlier. Holy sexiness.

5. Doin’ It – LL Cool J. I don’t think this needs explanation. If it does, listen again and we can discuss.

6. Use Me – Bill Withers. I realize this doesn’t make much sense. Maybe it’s the idea that a woman is using a man, when typically you hear of the reverse, or the fun little 80s beat, but I’m diggin’ it.

7. Sex is on Fire- Kings of Leon. Another great, underrated band, who’s older stuff is significantly better. Phenomenal in concert. This used to be the ring tone of a FWB in college. Maybe I associated this song a bit with that. Whatever the reason, it works.

8. Breed- Nirvana. Another one that doesn’t really make sense based on lyrics..maybe it’s Kurt Cobain’s voice? Kurt can do no wrong in my eyes, well except use heroin and unfortunately commit suicide..still regularly listen to all of their music. I could add around 10 other songs that are sexy by them, but I wanted a bit more variety to my list.

9. Counting Stars – One Republic. I think his voice is sexy, but DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT watch the video to this song. It’s like a bunch of awkward leprechauns jumping around. Definitely knocked this song down on the sexy scale, but I’m still keeping it on the list.

10. Bojangles – Pitbull. Yes, this song is gross and definitely degrading. Maybe it’s all the talk about licking..ok, I’m even grossing myself out. I’ll stop.

11. She Doesn’t Mind – Sean Paul. Confession: When I started college, Sean Paul was just getting big, and he was on SNL (back when people watched SNL). I had a major crush on him (don’t ask), but then I saw him perform and I was totally turned off. The weird jumping around just made me laugh, and was emasculating.

12. Scream – Usher. Usher in general I do not find sexy, and his arrogance makes him even more repulsive to me. That, and the fact he wrote an entire album about his infidelity and child produced through that and made money off of the entire event. Anyway..I still like a lot of his music, this song included. I do not have any music from that album, if you’re wondering. Sorry Raymond, I didn’t support that nonsense.

13. Birthday Song – 2 Chainz. Yes, this is a bit embarrassing. No, 2 chains is not a lyrical genius (“She got a big booty, so I call her big booty”), but this song is hysterical to me, and apparently my body likes it. I was disappointed initially, because I thought the chorus was “All I want for my birthday is a good booty call” not “All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe” but I pretend it says otherwise.

14. Dance with Me -112. Not a huge fan of the nasally voice, but I do like this song. Reminds me of high school.

15. Red Light Special – TLC. Yes.

16. When World’s Collide – Powerman 5000. Curve ball in the list, for sure. I think it’s the angry tone, and the guy has a raspy, sexy voice. I refuse to research what he looks like. Sometimes angry music works.

17. I’ll Be Your Man- The Black Keys. Yes, yes you will. Still waiting for my call, Dan.

So that’s my list for now! I realize I’m an odd duck with some of these, but that’s me. No, I do not attempt to analyze why I like all of these songs..that may be too disturbing, even for me 😉
What random songs make you want to pounce?

Luck of the Irish

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I have been off having the adventure of a life time (not to rub it in). Two of my girlfriends and I took a road trip through Ireland for two weeks and it was unbelievable. First, let me say most of the stereotypes about Irish people that I have heard were true: they love their cocktails, Guinness is everywhere, and they are the friendliest people I have ever encountered. Seriously, friendliest people imaginable. I did not encounter one rude person in two weeks, which I can’t image happening here in the U.S. (at least in Florida). As a single woman, I can say the guy to girl ratio was fantastic and I enjoyed it immensely (more on that later).

We started our journey in Dublin, went to the Guinness factory which was cool but very touristy. We learned how to pour the perfect Guinness (I have the certificate to prove it),which was cool and headed to the rooftop bar to check out the city. Minus the fact that we were running on next to no sleep from our overnight flight, it was awesome. That night we went out, drank a lot and met a lot of great people. Minus the guy who kept poking me all over my body and following me around, everyone was great. We also met Jason Statham, well his doppleganger bouncer self, who we were obsessed with, but I could go on and on about that.

The next day we went to pick up our rental car and make our way to Galway, 3 hours away. I had taken a refresher course on stick shift before we left, as I haven’t driven stick since I was 13 and my father illegally taught me how to drive a car. That was umm a few years ago, but I do consider myself a phenomenal driver and figured I’d pick it right back up. Refresher course was successful, and I planned on being the primary driver on the trip. We pick up our rental, I made it out of the parking lot, and at a busy intersection I couldn’t get the car to go, stalling 4-5 times. My friends were patient, trying to cheer me on and I had a panic attack, couldn’t do it and my friend M jumped in the driver’s seat. I will never make fun of her driving again, because this was the most challenging driving I have ever experienced and she was a fucking champ. Imagine driving down a large sideway that is (kind of) paved, with a rock wall on one side and fields on the other, when a car comes barreling at you. There are no road signs, roads appear to be one way but aren’t, there are hills, steep mountains, and you are driving on the wrong side of the car on the wrong side of the street. I have never been so scared in my life, and M did phenomenally well.We realized a few days later that K had navigation, which simplified things and basically saved our lives. We made it alive, and Galway was awesome! We stayed at a really cute bed and breakfast with the sweetest older couple, the nightlife was great, and men were everywhere! It was unreal. The guy to girl ratio had to be 30:1, and guys have no problem approaching girls to talk. I don’t think I’ve ever been hit on as much as I was in Ireland, and it wasn’t creepy “come back to my place” but more of a “I’m going to tell you how pretty you are and sexy your accent is.” They weren’t intimidated by what I do for a living, they were gentlemen, and they were exactly what I needed in my life at that time.

Three days later, a trip to the Cliffs of Moher, and we were on our way to the Dingle Peninsula. Our entire trip was planned close to day by day, from where we stayed to what direction we were going. We based plans on advice from people we’d met, and how we were feeling. The only thing we truly planned was our day excursion to Skellig Michael, which was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever done. Led by our Captain Casey, who later copped a feel during his photo op with me and my friend (gross), and the sexy Grey’s Anatomy doppleganger skipper, we embarked on the most physically and psychologically challenging adventure. The island was home to monks years ago, and 650 stairs were carved into a mountain basically. At the top of the mountain was the most breathtaking view I’ve ever seen. Getting there was a challenge: physically going up 650 stairs sucks, with no guardrail the majority of the time, and the guides reminding you that if you fall you basically will die. No problem! But, it was absolutely worth it. I was very proud of myself for physically getting up there, and not really being afraid. The scariest part was getting on and off the boat because you are basically thrown on to a slippery set of stairs on the side of a landing, while the boat is rocking because there was a storm coming.

A few days later we’d happened on the celebration of the national rugby championship, listened to Country Road, (this West Virginia song they were obsessed with), for the 50th time, heard some unreal live music, and met a ton of new friends. We visited the Jameson Distillery which was amazing and incredibly interesting, where I spent a small fortune on gifts for my family and friends (well, and me). Met some more awesome guys,kissed the Blarney Stone (which involves hanging off the edge of a castle and upside down kissing a disgusting stone), got pulled into the middle of a bar in a chair for a lap dance, and then had to say goodbye to M, as she left for Florida, while K and I made our way to Northern Ireland.

Belfast was disappointing nightlife wise. I didn’t find the people to be as friendly as anywhere in Ireland, and they were very cliquish. The history of the city was heartbreaking, but explained why those who live there may stay close to their own. We took a day trip up to Giant’s Causeway, the rope bridge, and the Dark Hedges, which was my favorite part of the entire trip. I have been obsessed with the Dark Hedges for years, and I gasped and teared up the moment I turned the corner and saw the trees. I have always had a fascination with trees, and this place had such an amazing, magical feeling, I could never fully describe it.

All and all the trip taught me several things:

1. I deserve to be with a man who is respectful, and makes me feel as sexy as the guys in Ireland did.
2. I apparently have a crush on Dr. Hunt from Grey’s Anatomy, which was unclear until I saw sexy (more age appropriate) Skipper in Port McGee and can now not watch Grey’s without disgusting thoughts. Yes, I still watch Grey’s Anatomy 10 years later..
3. I have a new appreciation for napkins, as Ireland does not really offer them.
4. Hot showers are understated.
5. My bed is the most comfortable thing on Earth.
6. People are capable of doing much more than they initial anticipate. M driving through difficult terrain, all of us climbing up 650 steps that could have ended in tragedy, navigating a foreign country with minimal planning, was proof to all of this.
7. Jameson is delicious and the whiskey making process is incredibly interesting.
8. French fries do not need to be served with all meals.
9. Traveling creates a new perspective on everything and makes you reevaluate a lot of things. I have been fearful of change and the unknown my whole life, and this trip made that fear dissipate to a degree. I am now more motivated to work on my self and move forward in my life than ever before.

My goal is to take a trip like this every year and explore our country and others. I would recommend Ireland to anyone wanting to take a trip with friends or a partner, especially a road trip.

Thanks for reading. I know that was long and I could go on and on, but I won’t bore everyone with all of the details. Plus, some of that trip needs not be disclosed 😉

My 3 Year Old Nephew May Be Smarter Than I Am…

Whew, that last post was depressing! On to better things 🙂

Despite the circumstances, I had a phenomenal weekend visiting my family. Aside from the dark conversations, we laughed and I got to spend some time with some of my favorite people. I initially had chosen to visit that weekend because my 93 year old grandmother was going to be in town, and I take every opportunity to spend time with her, because well, she’s 93 and time is ticking. She’s an amazing woman. We made a pact a long time ago that she wasn’t allowed to die until I got married. I requested this, because I knew I wouldn’t marry young, and wanted to prolong the process. She has hung on, and is still kicking at 93, asking me regularly if I’m dating anyone because she’s “getting kind of tired.” We’ll see if she can make it, because the rate I’m going I’ll be 45 before I get married.

My life back home is full of children. My brother has 3 kids, and all of my friends down there have at least 1 child each. I’m the lucky aunt of two nephews and a niece, and have a godson and a goddaughter. Why I have been chosen to be these children’s spiritual guides I will never understand, but I could not love these kids any more than I do.

So I thought I would share a few of my favorite moments from the weekend:

My 5 year old nephew running out of the car, hugging me around my waist telling me he missed me “so much.” I heard him say this to almost everyone that weekend, but I pretend it was special statement just for me 😉

My 3 year old nephew randomly announcing at lunch Saturday that his chip was shaped like Minnesota (It was). I had to think hard about what Minnesota looks like, and where it is in the country. Geography wasn’t my best subject. I may need to brush up, because he and his brother know where every state is, the capital and what shape they are. Kind of embarrassing, and I don’t know that I could help them with homework at this rate.

The same 3 year old nephew snuggling with me on the couch trying to play Candy Crush on the iPad, enthusiastically cheering every time he earned points. Each time was equally as exciting as the previous one. I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm (although I am already enthusiastic, so perhaps that could be dangerous). He is not a snuggly boy and normally needs coaxing to even give me a hug. I don’t think he realized what was happening.

My 18 month old niece in her mermaid bathing suit, charging through the yard like a bruiser. She’s a bit of a chub, and she runs by leading with her chest. It’s fantastic. She’s also a bottomless pit, and grunts while eating. I swear she’s cute, and a human, not a mini pig. She also finally has enough hair to have cute little pigtails, which made my day 🙂

Attempting to watch the UF game with my 2 favorite Gators: my dad and my brother. All of us were dressed for the occasion, and sadly I wasted an outfit on a rained out game. It was very cute and very festive. I absolutely love football season, and will be spending my Saturdays in orange and blue.

Breakfast with 2 girls I consider my sisters and one of their daughters. I can pick up with them like we saw each other yesterday, and it’s the easiest relationship I have in my life.

Spending time at one of my best friend’s houses with her 3 children, and hearing them call me “Aunt” all morning. Children’s love is so genuine and pure.

Getting to spend an extraordinary amount of time with my best friend- nails with our moms, dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, talking for hours on her couch, and my godson running all over my mom’s house chasing the dog,laughing hysterically.

I am beyond grateful for these moments and hope all involved realize this is what keeps me going. Sometimes I feel like acting like my 3 year old nephew, laying on the floor refusing to participate anymore, and these moments keep me going. Thank you.

You Think You’re A Gangster Cuz You Did Time, Well Listen Here Gangster Don’t Cross The Line

Disclaimer: This will not be a funny, sarcastic post. Well, sarcasm is always present, but this will not be lighthearted. My life is not always rainbows and sunshine, and these last few weeks have been tough.

I have had my fair share of heartache, disappointment and sadness. This weekend took those feelings to another level, which I would have preferred not to explore. Coping with my feelings is trying enough, but listening to my parents grieve the loss of a child was inexplicably painful. While my brother did not die, all of us are beginning to fully understand how sick he is and how likely a young life expectancy is, given his current lifestyle. My brother has battled addiction the last 10 years, with a variety of substances. This habit has led his life down a path of arrests, prison time, and broken relationships with our family. We are no strangers to the reveal that he has been arrested, whether it’s because of a phone call from him, a call from someone else, reading it in the local police beat, or the clues on Facebook (my brother dates a girl who has no problem sharing intimate details on social media). It doesn’t get easier over time. We pretend it does, that we are desensitized after a decade of disappointment, but we lie. It sucks – Every. Single. Time.

My brother was recently bailed out of jail, and lied to our family in attempts to manipulate us into giving him money (again). I can’t handle being lied to. I find it insulting, and a huge slap in the face. Karma came around pretty fast, and he was arrested, again. Our family found out via the community, and Facebook innuendoes, not from an honest phone call like we should have. I’m not sure why any of us would have expected that; all honesty has been gone for years. My older brother and I shared this information with our parents, and luckily all of this happened the day I was scheduled to go visit them for the weekend. Happy Labor Day weekend! Let’s talk about how awful it is that he’s in jail, the likelihood of him going to prison again, and how any day now one of us could be called into the morgue to identify his body. Yeah, it went that dark, and was initiated by my parents. It’s something we’ve all thought about, probably more often than is healthy, but never really processed aloud. Listening to my parents begin to grasp the concept that their child is gone was heart breaking.

I wish I could say I think there is a happy end to this story, but I don’t. It is highly likely if he is found guilty of these charges he will go back to prison. I’ll deal with that when the time comes, but have done my best to mentally prepare for that. It really won’t be much different than it is now, as we barely hear from him when he is free. I think about all of the things he has missed because of his addiction: births, deaths, weddings, funerals, and the growing distance between him and our family. A part of me feels like he has died, because I don’t even know who he is anymore, and I don’t like the qualities I do see. My best friend is gone, and isn’t coming back. I dread the day that I hear that he really is gone, and I don’t think there’s anything worse than watching someone so intelligent, funny and talented spiral downward into this hell.

I hope I’m wrong. So very wrong.

I chose this title because I heard this Pitbull song on my drive down south, and it made me laugh. Then I cried, because it reminded me of my brother, and how he gets burned by his behaviors. That, and he’s dumb enough to believe he won’t get caught breaking the law. I fully acknowledge my use of Pitbull lyrics and my weird infatuation with him is totally laughable, and embarrassing. But sometimes I need to laugh, and his lyrics always make me laugh in the car.

Hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day 🙂 I’ll have a lighter post soon, about the positives from the weekend.

xoxo

I’ll Make Love to You..NO, You Won’t

I am a person who has very strong opinions, about most things. I definitely do not lack passion in my life. As easily as I am excited about something, I can be disgusted by another. Music is one of those areas for me. I have had a series of very awkward events that have happened to me with music involved.

Let’s start with my brother’s wedding. My brother got married in a very unorthodox way, which was incredibly surprising. He is the best guy I know, very romantic and more of the traditional nature. That said, his Vegas wedding at a “White Little Chapel”-esque place with photos of all of the theme weddings previously held there, was not what I had imagined. I also was given zero heads up as to what to expect, so I think my behavior was excusable. The wedding was actually very nice. I liked the officiant, thought his homily was sweet, and my brother looked incredibly happy. Then the officiant announces “now we’re going to hear a song,” and I smiled and waited for some typical wedding song to be placed. A man in a suit appeared out of nowhere, and began singing. The song was familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then it clicked: “Can you feel the love tonight” from the Lion King (think extended Elton John version in the credits) was passionately belted out. As I’m casually looking across the room to see if anyone else is baffled as to why THIS is the song that was being sung, I caught eyes across the stage with my brother’s best friend who was mouthing “stop it” to me, as he smiled and I shook uncontrollably trying to keep from laughing out loud. I turned beet red, and started crying I was laughing so hard- and I couldn’t stop! I glanced out in the audience, and my stepmother had cued in on what was happening, had zoomed in the video camera and was laughing. After the wedding, my family was jokingly yelling at me for laughing, and my sister in law’s side of the family was telling me how “sweet” it was that I was so touched by the song and the ceremony. At least they don’t know I’m a terrible person for LAUGHING during my brother’s wedding!

Now let’s go to my master’s graduation. It was already an awkward affair, with a lot of people crammed in small room, held in a different city than I went to school in. They rotated satellite campus graduation ceremonies to make it fair for everyone. I found graduation boring to begin with: the long speeches by someone you don’t even know, listening to everyone’s name called, all while panicking about how low I was going to need to squat down for them to put my master’s cape on (because they chose the smallest professor at the school to do that of course. I’m only 5’4 for reference). However, it meant a lot to me and I was very proud that day. Most of the way through the ceremony they introduce a very large, excited woman to sing. It takes me a minute to place the song (again) and realize it’s “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Why was this being played at our graduation? This woman wasn’t my mother, or anyone I admire in any way. Why was she pointing at each of us saying “and you, and you” as she made this terrible song even longer? I started laughing, crying again because I was laughing so hard, and my friend Sara was two rows in front of me crying because she thought “It was so beautiful.” WHAT?!? Ugh.

So now you understand a bit about why I have a reaction to certain songs. My friend and I have compiled a list of our “embarrassing” songs that I will share with you. Enjoy!

In no particular order, and to be continued:

1. We are family (do not play this at weddings. It reminds me of every stereotypical family reunion)
2. I’m too sexy (gross)
3. YMCA
4. Pissing the night away (or whatever the real name of this song is)
5. The Chicken Dance (absolutely not. Why does this still happen?)
6. The Macarena (leave it in elementary school please where they are trying to teach youngsters how to coordinate and memorize)
7. Baby Got Back (I can’t)
8. I wanna sex you up (How are you supposed to react to this that’s NOT awkward?)
9. Peaches
10. I touch myself (no)
11. Total Eclipse of the Heart
12. Love Shack (I worked in retail for 6 years in college and this was on our mix constantly. I can’t explain how much I hate it)
13. Barbie Girl
14. I’ll make love to you (I hate the phrase making love. You don’t “make love,” you have sex (or make magic. If you can name the rap song this is in you’ll be my new best friend).It can be romantic, it can be dirty, but it’s still sex. It’s not “Making love” and guys lose mega points if not total loss by saying this to me.
15. Nookie
16. Wind Beneath My Wings (no further explanation needed now)
17. Who Let the Dogs Out? (umm put them back in the cage, please)
18. Wobble (it’s like when women do zumba songs in public)
19. Diamonds and Pearls (dramatic, and no. I love me some Prince, but stop. Also, on the work mix)

I’m sure there are 10,000 more, but there’s a taste. Now I’m off to bed on this exhilarating Saturday night, after going to the movies with two of my girlfriends to see Lucy. Not theater worthy, but actually kept my attention. Still hate Scarlett Johanson, but I wish every professor I had in college was as cool as Morgan Freeman.

xoxo

I Wish Liar’s Pants Really Did Set on Fire, Sometimes

I hate liars. Like fucking hate them. I work with difficult people often, and one of the few things I can’t handle are liars. The worst is when it’s someone close to you, and they are lying to your face (or on the phone rather, close enough), about something that you know is a lie. It’s insulting on so many levels, and the lack of regard for one’s intelligence and your relationship with them is disgusting. It cuts me to the core, and has ruined my day so many times, especially regarding this one person. I’m officially done. In an effort to not think about this and allow it to ruin my Saturday evening when I had a glorious day, I am going to make a list of the things I am currently happy about:

I can be friends with an ex-boyfriend and he’s nice enough to still go to the mall with me. I hate the mall, especially on a weekend (online shopping, please).

I can almost zip a dress that was a size too small (yay diet and exercise) and project “get hot for next Miami visit” is working. In all actuality, I am doing this for my health and sanity, but that’s a nice little milestone.

I am going to Ireland in 31 days for 2 whole weeks on a road trip with girlfriends.

I’m finally getting busier again at the practice after a slower Summer (guess you don’t have to be a mom to be happy school is back in session)!

I had a delicious dinner tonight-steak, shrimp, asparagus and sautéed mushrooms. Yum!

I was finally productive and knocked off like 5 things on my to-do list today.

I told myself I would use this blog as an outlet, and also a way for some of my friends (and I guess strangers, since this is a public blog) to get to know me better. I am pretty private overall, and sometimes I don’t want to share my story aloud, but writing has been therapeutic. Thankful wordpress can provide me with that outlet so I don’t rage on people.

Sorry this wasn’t the most upbeat or witty post, but it’s been one of those days. Hope you’re having a great weekend! I’m off to prance around in my anthropology romper I got on sale 🙂

Green is not my color

I know I’ve said it before, but I am a mental health counselor. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my own problems (obviously, if you’ve read any of this blog), or that I always make the best choices. I do reflect often and try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them though. Lately, I’ve found myself in a funk, primarily because I am focused on what other people have and what I would like to have. It’s entirely unfair to be jealous of another person and resentful because they have something you may want, but I’ve found myself in that spot lately and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong; my life is perfectly fine, and some people may be very happy with what I have. I have a good job that has taught me so much and allows me to work with a diverse population of clients, I live in a very reasonably priced apartment with a friend who is rarely there and incredibly clean (and deals with my messiness), and I have wonderful friends here. It’s just not enough for me. Call me ungrateful, but I think it’s more that I am always striving for more. If I’m not 100% happy with something, I want to change it and make it better. A fresh start in a new city is something I think will change that (at least I’m praying it will). Therefore, I have made my plans to move to Miami whenever possible, with the latest being early next Summer when my lease ends at my place.

I applied for a job with the government recently and found myself incredibly excited and hopeful. Did I think that it was a long shot, as I’m still young in my career (despite having extensive experience), and there would absolutely be more qualified candidates? Of course, but that didn’t  stop me from applying and seeing where it would take me. I work in private practice now and absolutely love what I do. This job was different, but came with it’s perks and was worth exploring further. I made it through the initial round of applicants and was stoked, but found out yesterday that I didn’t progress into the interview stage as there were more qualified candidates. The odd part was, I wasn’t upset at all. I think I learned a lot from this situation, and just how much I want to move. I was willing to pick up any time and find a place down there. I found myself fantasizing about how I would arrange my apartment, and talking to my mom about storing certain items at her house as Miami apartment storage blows. I found myself working on my health and focusing on honing in on my trauma therapy studies. I realized just how much I wanted this. How much I wanted a fresh start and to find my way in the world and make the most of it. To find a partner to share in my adventures and start a new chapter with.

While that has renewed my motivation and focus, it has also made me feel incredibly envious of others who are doing this. I am insanely jealous of my best friend, who is married to the perfect person for her and has the best son, progressing in her career and looking into buying a home and expanding her family. I am envious of my friend who may have an opportunity in Miami to further her career, because she would be doing this sooner than I can get there when this is something I have been planning and dreaming of for several years. So I apologize to these people, and others I’m not discussing, for this. It does not mean that I am not happy for you, or that I think your lives are perfect either. I just wish I could be in your position sometimes, because I’m so ready for that. Not getting married and having a kid tomorrow (ugh), but finding a person who “gets” me, and moving for a fresh start.

As I regularly say, I believe everything happens for a reason. That doesn’t just go for me though, and I have to remind myself of that. Worrying and being resentful of others won’t change their fate. I can’t control the world, nor would I want to, but I can change my attitude about it. If it’s meant to be it will be, for me as well as for others.

Hoping to Stay Anchored..Even in a Storm

So, I don’t speak of it often, primarily because it’s still incredibly painful to discuss and equally as embarrassing, but there is a man I fell in love with once upon a time, who luckily lives out of the country now. Unfortunately, he will be in Miami when I go to visit next time, and I fear our paths will inevitably cross. A part of me is excited about that, which terrifies me, because I know there is nothing there for me but heartache, but another part of me wants to hide from the situation. He only comes to town once or twice a year since he left, and I purposely plan my trips to avoid seeing him. Last time, I had to miss the Florida/ Miami game because of this, which ended up being a blessing in disguise, as my beloved Gators were obliterated on the field by the fucking Hurricanes. Don’t even get me started on that…I digress. This year, I purchased concert tickets for that weekend and am not missing out on that. His few days in Miami happen to be the same (because I apparently killed babies in my last life and am being punished indefinitely) and, knowing him, he will be planning an elaborate night out Friday to spend with his friends before he leaves Saturday. My best friend C lives there, and is still friends with him, so we will be going. She has been sweet enough to offer to avoid it if I want, and I don’t know what to do.

 

Best case scenario: I look hot (and of course I already have 5 outfit choices on standby and a hair appointment), we have awkward convo for a few minutes, get a few (5) Captain and diets in me, and we have a great time, with him reminded of how he felt about me once upon a time, and I leave him at the bar wondering “what if.”

 

Worst case scenario: I get wasted, cry, and leave the bar upset, allowing this to ruin my entire weekend.

 

Realistic: I look and feel great, we have awkward convo for a few minutes, we avoid each other like the plague, and I drag C out to another bar to meet up with D, hoping he has decided he still wants me after my ‘psycho revival’ moment.

I have decided to look at this as a learning experience, which is all I can do since my life constantly tests me with un-fucking-real situations. I do believe everything happens for a reason, cliché or not, and clearly I am supposed to get something out of this situation. I am hoping closure – maybe he’s fat, I realize he’s not the person for me (which I actually have begun recognizing)- but am really not sure. A good friend of mine thinks I should go no matter what, because for whatever reason, he appears to not be leaving my life. I’m not sure if that’s my doing, his doing, or both, but it’s an incredibly complicated situation and I just don’t want to regress to that dark place I was a year and a half ago. I’ve come a long way and worked very hard to get there.

I have 3 more weeks until this happens, but of course I began overanalyzing the situation weeks ago (I’m a therapist, give me a break).  We’ll see how things progress in the mean time.

Until next time…

 

What Do You Do Once the Crazy Has Come Out?

Ugh. We’ve all been there (at least I tell myself that). You drink too much and make a total ass of yourself. I have done this on numerous occasions, but never to the degree I did last weekend. I went to Miami to visit friends and hung out with a guy I am interested in. We had previously had relations, but hadn’t spoken in several months so it was a bit awkward. Because of this I made the cardinal mistake of drinking too much to calm my nerves. By drinking too much I mean several shots of Fireball, which I never drink, as well as my normal Captain and Diets.  I drink regularly (not like problematic drinking but socially..as assumed by the blog name I’m sure) but am on a medication right now that may have influenced it’s effects. Or maybe I was drugged. That, plus not eating too much that day = 4 hours of black out time. That’s a terrifying amount of time to not remember and I’m actually thankful for it. The parts I do remember are MORTIFYING.  I consider myself a rational person, more than most people I think, and I have never been the “crazy” girl who becomes a stalker and says weird things in relationships. If anything, I don’t say enough and then harbor resentment forever towards people (unfair, I realize). Apparently 30 years of crazy came out and this poor guy was the target. He did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG and I was a total weirdo.

Apparently we had a great day, lots of flirting and fun times (from what I hear) and then I ruined it by becoming a complete nut job. I word vomited every thought I’d ever had about him (“I think you’re extremely sexy, it’s rude you didn’t text me,” etc) which is bad enough, but then he confessed he was still in love with someone he went to college with. In real life, I would have accepted and appreciated the honesty and taken it for what it was. In blackout land, I turned into woman scorned, found out her husband had cheated on her and needed to know the identify of the woman. HORRIFYING and totally unlike me. The next day, I couldn’t have cared less who the person was: that’s private information, I don’t know her and it’s none of my business. But that night, I was adamant that he reveal her identify. He handled it extremely well and was somehow very nice to me still. I will not divulge all of the details because I am way too embarrassed, but there was more to the convo that I don’t remember, as well as running after him down the street (he was not running for the record..it was not a chase, if that makes it less weird). He’s probably still looking out his window and expecting me to jump out of the bushes, or leaving the court house with my restraining order. I wouldn’t blame him. I could own up to the crazy if I could justify my thoughts in those moments, but I can’t. I don’t even agree with anything I was saying and that’s the most terrifying part. I have never had this happen and until now, really thought there was always some truth behind things people say when they’re wasted. Including mine.

I emailed him the next day apologizing profusely, explaining I am actually a normal person despite my actions, and hoping he can forget this ever happened since I will continue to see him during my visits to Miami and when I move there (that is, unless the restraining order stipulates otherwise). He replied with an unclear, “don’t worry about it,” which is more than I could expect.

So how do you bounce back from this? To me, there are very little things that are worse to me than being viewed as a lunatic when your’e not, and having a guy comment  “oh God, that girl is crazy.” I know myself well and am confident with who I am, and this is not a reflection of me. But he doesn’t know that. He’s only hung out with me a handful of times. I can only hope the last 3 times were enough of a positive memory that he can give me a chance to show I’m normal. It would be nice to be friends, especially since his best friend is my best friend’s boyfriend. Strongly doubting there is a future there for us, but he may be stuck with me for life as our friends will remain together.  So, I’ll keep acting myself, hope he realize the truth, as well as pray that he was blackout as well and maybe doesn’t remember some of it..especially the running part. I’ll leave that to your imaginations. My stomach is still in knots and I can not describe the level of mortified I am at right now.

Stories of blackouts that are worse than this are appreciated. Maybe I’ll feel like less of a lunatic and know I’m not inspiring the next version of Misery. Thanks for letting me vent. Hoping you’re laughing with me, not laughing at me 😉